This month has been a weird one. Emotionally, I have been a wreck, picking fights with the boy (but sometimes standing up for myself when he crosses boundaries) crying over ridiculous things, keeping my distance as much as possible from human beings so that I can try to figure out myself. Sometimes I feel too enmeshed in my own history, in my own being, to be able to take a step back and understand the seemingly hidden causes behind my issues.
Luckily for me the New Moon in Aquarius arrived today, promising that “any unfinished business from your past that’s in the way of your immediate next steps will be coming to light. When that happens, don’t judge it or get angry or worry.”
Along with this auspicious New Moon comes the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Wood Horse, which “is time to act fast, buy that home, launch that business, travel the world, make a big purchase, get a promotion at work, have a breakthrough – take a leap and fly.”
Also luckily for me those are all things that I want to do this year: buy a house, launch a business and travel the world, and hopefully this New Moon will help me to sort out these emotional issues so that I can clear the space needed to focus on making the things that I want happen!
I forced myself to meditate today; I didn’t make it for the entire twenty minutes, but the thirteen minutes I spent lying in corpse pose on my yoga mat, counting to five on my inhalations and exhalations, noticing my thoughts and trying to let them go, was very relaxing for me. I was beginning to feel distraught and overrun with anxiety and despair and meditation really did save me this time. I have been trying to meditate for weeks now and can’t seem to make the time for it, but as they (who? I don’t know, probably someone on the internet) say “you should meditate for twenty minutes a day, unless you don’t have time. then you should meditate for an hour.” I always come to meditation with the expectation that I will be crippled with boredom or confronted with my legions of demons (which is really scarier?) and am always surprised when I get totally weird visions and strange phrases that don’t seem to make any sense, at first, but then when you look deeper, they do. Like I imagined two versions of myself in a room, we both had been blinded and were frightened and were trying to open a door to get out, and some presence was telling us not to try to open the doors, that we would be ok, that the doors would open when we were ready to go through them.
Oh, and did I say the meditation was relaxing for me? Yes, it was, once it was over. The first several minutes I generally feel severely uncomfortable, like I am going to have a heart attack or like I should be doing something more productive with my time…my mind bucks against relaxation like a wild colt. But then my body begins to sink into its position, and my breathing takes on a rhythm of its own that isn’t forced or heart-attacky, and the Really Important Thoughts that want my attention sort of fade away. Right before I get to this point though, is when my mind and body really react the most violently. It’s a good lesson to learn, something along the lines of “it’s always darkest before dawn,” or “nothing easy is worth doing” or “pain is weakness leaving the body,” the last of which is a statement I saw once on this runner’s t-shirt and thought was kind of stupid and cruel to your poor body. Anyway. The lesson is stick with it, despite the obstacles and challenges that cross your path, and your reward will be great. That’s all I’ve got for now, Happy New Moon and Happy Chinese New Year!