cream soda-because it is creamy and sugary and delicious. drink out of a can with a straw.
homemade lemonade-one big fat lemon plus 3 tablespoons sugar and some water and voila! It is best to use a citrus juicer because then you can avoid seeds, but hand-squeezed is fine too. more rustic, right? NOW CHECK THIS OUT, IT IS A SUPER SECRET LEMONADE RECIPE from a restaurant I used to work at: juice your lemon, then put the sugar in a portion of very hot water and stir it up. then add the sugar water and lemon juice to a pitcher and fill it up with cold water. amazing!
double IPAs–man do I love me some hoppy, high alcohol content beer! The best double IPA I have had in recent memory came from Wicked Weed in Asheville, North Carolina.
water of course!–I drink a lot of this constantly but can’t seem to get enough. this may be due to secret diabetes or just that I generally eat too much food whenever I eat and dehydrate myself.
chai tea lattes-one chai tea bag, some hot water, and some steamed soy milk. no sugar necessary!
yerba mate lattes–yerba mate, honey, and straight up goat milk. holy shit yum.
hot herbal teas–with honey and soy milk. preferably poured out of a little miniature individual tea pot. 🙂
white russians–milk, vodka, kahlua, ice. don’t curdle the milk. make it right.
chocolate milkshakes–most crappy hamburger places with flat, crusty looking patties and marginally tasteful fries will have delicious thick chocolate milkshakes. I hate sharing them.
almond milk–avoid the unsweetened kind like the devil!
limeade–the same as lemonade but with limes. if you have a blender throw some strawberries in there with it. fuck it, throw some tequila in there too.
real ginger ale–the fancy kind that someone actually takes the time to brew somewhere and bottle all fancy. I also am a big fan of this type of rootbeer as well.
macaroni and cheese–this is my favorite kind. unfortunately there is something about macaroni and cheese that my body cannot digest, possibly the macaroni but also possibly the cheese and maybe even the fact that I can and do eat an entire box in one sitting, so I don’t have this very often. 😦
salami–I do like to just straight up eat salami slices out of the package. this is sick and I am aware of this.
summer sausage–see salami, above.
port wine cheese spread–spread that shit on some crackers, add some summer sausage and you are gooooood to go and never stop.
buttery crackers–those hexagonal ones that you eat with cheese balls are the best, and are a fantastic template for the port wine cheese spread and summer sausage
cheese balls–the kind that are covered in almonds. oh shit.
sharp cheddar cheese–did you know that there is no such thing as naturally orange cheese?
fancy cheeses of all kinds
brie–here is another SUPER SECRET RECIPE stolen from a restaurant I have worked out: make a waffle in a waffle maker, slice up some apples and cook them in a little butter on a frying pan, cook a little apple smoked bacon in another frying pan, then throw the cooked apple slices and delicious apple smoked bacon on top of the waffles with a couple little wedges of brie cheese and some 100% real ass maple syrup. OMG it’s soooo good.
bagels and cream cheese–there is something ridiculously comforting about a well-toasted everything seed bagel with a hefty amount of Philadelphia cream cheese spread on both sides. Onion bagels with chive cream cheese are also a safe bet.
lasagna–getcha noodles, your really great tomato sauce with spices and mushrooms and things, your oregano and fresh basil tore up into little bits, and ROSEMARY MY FAVORITE SPICE OF ALL TIME THAT CAN GO IN EVERYTHING, get some cooked onions mushrooms and some broccoli and lightly cooked ground turkey and chopped up garlic, however much you like, and COTTAGE CHEESE instead of fatty fat ricotta cheese (trust me you won’t even notice a difference, some grated up sharp chedda cheese, maybe a little romano or parmesan to sprinkle on top, and just layer that shit! Noodles first! Slather ’em with sauce! Put all the veggies and meat on next! Douse that shit with a layer of cheese! And repeat until your whole baking dish is filled with layers of delish! Then stick it in the oven at probably 350 for maybe 30 or 45 minutes.
pizza!–any kind, every kind. I love all pizzas, although they are not all created equally. Some pizzas are better than others. A little buttermilk ranch dressing to dip the pizza in makes all the difference.
hamburgers with bacon–pretty much any hamburgers from anywhere, with all the toppings: lettuce, tomato, mayo, pickles, a little mustard and some bacon. I don’t need any stinkin’ cheese on my burger!
fried chicken–damn son! you might be able to dilly dally a little with pizzas and hamburgers, but don’t mess around with where you get fried chicken. I’ve had food poisoning from Church’s Chicken and I heard a story from my boyfriend who heard it from our roommate who heard it from his friend who used to work there that they got an order of rancid chicken and tried to send it back to the distributor and the regional manager drove several hours down to the store and told them NEVER to send the chicken back, if it is of a dubious nature just douse it with vinegar. Siiiccckkk…..
However! One of THE MOST AMAZING FRIED CHICKEN experiences I have had was from a delightful bar in Seattle!
chicken salad–I made some pretty damn tasty chicken salad a couple weeks ago which contained: the remainder of my Trader Joe’s trail mix: almonds, cranberries and cashews, chicken breast that I cooked in a pan with some salt and curry powder and ROSEMARY of course and garlic salt and white pepper, miracle whip, sliced apples, sliced onions, and just a dash of maple syrup. Scrumptious!
avocados–I just really like avocados, especially with salt. I read something somewhere that said that there are studies being done to test their efficacy in fighting depression and bipolar disorder! Amazing! I like guacamole but it has to be fresh. I have been a little turned off of guacamole after eating one too many dumpstered sandwiches with guacamole gone bad.
steak–oh man do I like steak. I like the fatty rind too, as long as it is well cooked. Mmmm, steak. My little brother cooks a mean-ass steak. His secret is to drown it in butter. Mmmm, healthy.
fried potatoes–fry some chopped up potatoes (little reds are my favorite) with some shitake mushrooms and onions and garlic and salt and a little olive oil.
roasted vegetables–toss some baby carrots and quartered potatoes and big slices of onion and whole garlic cloves in olive oil and sea salt and black pepper and put em in a baking pan and put them in the oven for a long time. poke them and turn them and such every now and again.
potato chips–I love potato chips. especially kettle chips, and especially especially crinkly kettle chips. I also enjoy cheddar and sour cream chips, as well as jalapeno chips, but kettle are my favorite. the new york cheddar kettle chips are my shit. guess what? you can almost make them at home! follow the instructions listed for the roasted vegetables above only cut your potato chips suuuuppppeeer thin and turn your oven on pretty high and put the chips down on wax paper so they don’t get stuck to the pan.
beef stroganoff–make it with ground turkey and buttermilk and lots of mushrooms. better yet, have my Mom make it because she makes it the best. 🙂
spaghetti and meat sauce–with ground turkey and onions and garlic and lots of mushrooms! I have an issue with cooking spaghetti noodles, mainly that I am very impatient and I never use a big enough pot or enough water. it is a frustrating experience. I also binge on spaghetti when I make it, which led me for years to declare that I hated spaghetti, when in actuality, like a bad relationship, I love it and can’t get enough of it.
bruschetta–some kind of baguette, sliced into thin little rounds and toasted. make a little mixture in a bowl of garlic and fresh tomatoes from somebody’s garden (probably my Mom’s) and finely chopped onion and basil and sea salt and olive oil and a teeny tiny bit of balsamic vinegar and drizzle that sizzle all over them rounds.
basil in general–yum.
kale chips–get some kale, wash it off, tear it into little pieces (I like having the boy do this as it frustrates the shit out of me) toss it with olive oil and salt (I also like having the boy do this so my hands don’t get messy), then cook it on highish heat until the kale is pretty crispy. My friend likes to add other things like brewer’s yeast and parmesan cheese and it is prettttty good as well! do please avoid buying $8 boxes of premade kale chips at the store, as it is so cheap and easy to make at home (or it was back when we had an oven). Also if you have to buy kale chips from the store please please PLEASE do not buy these, they are disgusting. Buy these instead!
steak burritos–with brown rice and black beans and CHEESE of course! if you can just buy these in the Pilsen or Little Village sections of Chicago. They know how to do it right. I kind of suck at cooking steak and have yet to perfect this on my own.
also steak quesadillas–see above.
french fries, always–from anywhere, although I particularly like the ones that are very crispy and coated in almost a type of batter. yuuummm.
mashed potatoes and gravy–you can make this, it’s not that hard. I have a tendency to mash my potatoes with a can of beans when there is not a masher at hand. THE SECRET to making your own gravy is making a simple little rue: get some olive oil (or butter, whatever fatty) hot, add a little wheat (or whatever, white) flour to the olive oil and stir it and slowly add a wee bit of water or chicken stock or WHATEVER and keep stirring it over pretty low heat until it is of a gravy-like consistency. It’s super easy to make vegan gravy this way: I recommend adding lots of garlic and onions and mushrooms if you do!
biscuits and gravy–see above.
green beans–straight outta the can.
green bean casserole–I’ve tried to make this and failed. it is always a watery, flavorless mess. I’ll stick with waiting til Thanksgiving to eat Grandma’s.
canned sweet corn–MMMM-MMMMONSANTO
spaghetti sauce out of the jar–just eat that shit cold with a spoon straight outta the jar. no shame.
eggs over easy on buttered toast with hot sauce on top–yep. the secret is to cook the eggs on very low heat.
eggs benedict–I have no idea how to make this but I think there is a lot of butter involved.
deviled eggs with cayenne powder on top–Grandma makes the best ones.
chicken and rice casserole–another Grandma specialty.
crab rangoons–I love these. they are the best from Chinese restaurants but you can actually get the Safeway kind in the frozen food aisle and they are quite good!
chicken curry!–from any Thai restaurant, although the place that really turned me on to curry was this incredible little restaurant in Indiana, which is run by the Dalai Lama’s brother!
fried tofu–get some extra firm tofu and drain all the water off. get some vegetable oil really hot (although I have used olive oil lots of times and it has been fine) in a deepish pan. cut the tofus into little triangles and then roll them in some cornstarch. Fry those suckers until they are a little bit brown and then dip them in soy sauce! yumbo!
chinese beef and broccoli over rice–order this from a Chinese place. I made it once and it was the greatest thing I had ever had but I don’t remember what the secret ingredient was. sorry.
carrots–I like to put carrots into pretty much everything. On sandwhiches, in soups, in juices, in salads, in stir fry, in rice dishes and casseroles, cooked with maple syrup and ginger in a pot, the list goes on. I tried to put them in the chicken salad I made recently but the boy said no. Carrots are great.
homemade hummus–my little sister knows how to make this. eat with carrots.
salmon–cook it with a maple glaze and some roasted vegetables.
tuna salad–make it kind of like the chicken salad! pickled ginger and parsley are good additions as well. I like to get the kind in the water, not the oil. less calories, less fatty, yeah yeah yeah.
sliced deli ham–just eat that shit straight out of the bed, salami style
bratwursts–they’re good maybe once a year at a cookout.
kielbasa–I love this and I will eat it cold straight out of the package. I am a sick individual.
Grandma’s special chip dip–it’s great.
almonds–I love reading the nutritional facts and thinking about how healthy they are for my heart as I eat them.
fried zucchini with ranch dressing–any diner, anywhere.
buttermilk ranch dressing–so good on everything. the only reason to eat a salad.
walnuts–walnuts are great in muffins or alone. walnut oil and vinegar is also a good alternative to buttermilk ranch if you are looking for a healthier salad dressing.
veganaise–I like this stuff way better than mayonaise.
sourdough bread–did you know that the way they make sourdough bread in San Francisco is by catching little bacterias in the fog over the bay?! this was told to me by a bay area resident so it must be true.
french baguettes with olive oil–yes.
cooked onions-obviously, they are in every recipe I make.
garlic–I sort of like garlic. I love the way it tastes and how healthy I feel when I am consuming it but it does horrible things to my stomach, sort of along the lines of the macaroni and cheese.
fried onions–the kind that come in a can that you put on top of greenbean casserole. I will never buy these because I will eat the whole can, but I have been known to dip into the stashes of friends.
Grandma’s buttery rolls–the kind you eat at Thanksgiving. they have to be homemade or they’re garbage.
rosemary–MY FAVORITE TO PUT ON EVERYTHING
sea salt–himalayan pink is the best
turmeric–it’s yellow and it’s great. make a fancy health tonic out of turmeric, garlic powder, a little salt, ground ginger, a little cayenne pepper, lemon juice and a little maple syrup and water. mmm, you’re healthy!
shitake mushrooms–the best.
morel mushrooms–find them in the woods in the spring and cook ’em up with some butter in a frying pan. they’re great.
chicken of the woods mushrooms–find them in the woods in the fall and cook them up with a LOT OF BUTTER in a pan and eat them instead of meat. they are incredible and they have no poisonous look alikes! success!
fried catfish with tartar sauce–catch a catfish and get someone to do all the skinning and filleting and cooking and you’re golden. I don’t fish anymore because I felt too bad for the worms (yet I eat steak, I know, a walking contradiction).
rocky road ice cream–bah! I will eat all of the additions out of this and leave a pile of melted vanilla ice cream. the worst.
maple syrup–I will drink several shots of this straight from the bottle when it is in the house. it doesn’t last long.
honey–similairly to maple syrup, I enjoy eating a spoonful of honey now and then. try and get it from a local distributor. I read some expose article recently that said that they had gone to a farmer’s market and asked the people who were selling it where the honey came from and it came from China! then when they tested it it wasn’t even really honey! it was diluted corn syrup and shit! gross!
cereal–raisin bran, pumpkin flax seed granola from Aldi’s, golden grahams, special k with strawberries or its cheap ass doppelganger from Aldi’s.
almond milk–sweetened, allllways!
hot chocolate–make it with almond milk!
reeses cups–ugh. I try not to eat these very much because I love them too much. why? why???!!
caramel corn–you can make this at home in a few minutes. I did. I googled it. it was good, but when they tell you not to stir it for 5 minutes that is a lie. that shit will burn. so stir it.
waffles–I don’t know how to make these, I have only ever made them at a restaurant I used to work at. but they are good, and my step-dad is pretty good at making healthy ones. I used to say I hated waffles but really, it turned out, I was just mad at my step-dad.
oranges–a great source of vitamin c, in case you are a dummy.
grapefruit–I love grapefruits for breakfast, but first they must be peeled and segmented. and what the shit omg I just now found these instructions on how to do this efficiently.
apples–pink lady and fuji are two of my favorites. usually I just like them straight up; every now and then I will concoct a mixture of almond butter and maple syrup and dip apple slices in it.
grapes–especially big fat green ones, but red are good too.
real strawberry popsicles–you gotta get the kind with the real fruit.
blueberries–they are so weird, they’re actually white under their blue skin, maybe they should be called white berries instead.
raisins–I like these as an alternative to popcorn when I go to the movies.
cranberries–they’re like raisins, I like to put them in salad type things.
gingerbread cookies–thanks Grandma.
homemade chocolate chip cookies–easy peasy. you know how to make these.
watermelon–how to eat a watermelon for two: cut it in half. take your half and use a spoon to carve the fruit out.
pineapple–I love pineapple rings, diced pineapple, pineapple juice, dried pineapple, pineapple teriyaki sauce. if you are trying to quit smoking have some pineapple, it is a natural expectorant!
those little chocolate balls with fancy wrappers and a hard shell and soft gooey flavored chocolate inside–ugh, I can’t remember what they are called, damn.
werther’s original buttescotch candies–I probably learned this from my Grandpa.
strawberry and cherry blow pops–another great way to quit smoking and up your dental bills.
icing–don’t ever ever ever buy a can of this unless you are going to use it all on a cake and then give the cake away to someone.
apple pie–I love apple pie, and ask for it for my Birthday instead of cake.
twisty donuts–mmmm, donuts.
glazed donuts–mmmm, donuts.
chocolate pudding–I love pudding and it is not that terribly unhealthful for you…right?
red jello–see pudding, above.
coconut flakes–I like to add these to my homemade trail mixes. they are great, even unsweetened.
fudge–so good. I made a vegan, gluten free, sugar free fudge for Christmas that everyone except myself liked. the ingredients were: a lot of coconut oil, ground up hazelnuts, ground up cacao nibs, vanilla, and maple syrup.
tangerines–they’re a delight!
that green marshmallow pudding salad–that Grandma makes for Thanksgiving; also her cranberry jello salad with nuts
the peanut butter cookies with the giant chocolate chip in the middle and the granulated sugar coating–Grandma makes these for Christmas
cinnamon toast with butter and sugar–my Mom used to make this for me and it is great
blueberry yogurt–I like the kind with the fruit on the bottom.