How I Quit Smoking

As promised yesterday, today I will tell you about how I quit smoking forrrr… I think 11 days now.

I have been having recurring chest pain since 2010 and have chalked it up to a number of things: allergies, inflammation from that time I wrecked my bike into a newspaper stand and it stabbed me in the heart, opiate addiction, social anxiety, all the usual culprits, but rarely have I equated its existence with my extensive cigarette habit.

As Christmas withered into a confluence of sappy sugar and consumerism induced memories and the new year rapidly approached I made a few resolutions, including quitting facebook, learning to walk on my hands, kicking sugar out of my diet and traveling outside of the U.S. Of A. But I decided not to include quitting smoking, mostly because I didn’t want to set myself up for instafailure (holy shit I should market that as a new app hohmagah), and in true rebellious fashion went from smoking 5ish cigarettes a day to smoking 10ish on the day we left on our roadtrip.

When we arrived in Asheville the weather greeted us in the expected southern fashion, with warmth and sunshine. But as we headed into the most incredible (annnnd only) tea house I have ever been in, Asheville’s east coast attitude kicked in with howling winds and slushy snow and frigid temperatures. I mention the weather because I believe that the sudden drop in temperature contributed, along with my sudden increase in cigarette consumption, to my sudden sore throat and stabbier than usual heart pains, which influenced me to order 2 pots of Clear Communication tea (good for throat and lung issues as well as for the clarification of objectives!!).

Now during our visit at Dobra, I had been asking my brother if he would accompany me to a hypnosis in Asheville to help me quit smoking, as my chest pain was becoming ever more constant and acute. As I drank the Clear Communication tea I thought about how I wanted to be healthy, and how I would pay a large sum of money to a hypnotist who could guarantee success. I started looking up hypnotists on ye ol’ iPhone and they costed a million dollars. The next day, whether due to the amazing tea or my stinginess or fear of being hypnotized into a government slave drone or most likely terrific anxiety over having a heart attack at the age of 30, I was done smoking.

Here are some things you should know about quitting. It’s not easy, but it is simple. You just don’t smoke. You are aware that your cravings will only last for 3 minutes and you take those 3 minutes any way you can. Sometimes you just count them down with gritted teeth. Sometimes you take on a holy vibe and pretend to meditate for 3 minutes. Sometimes, if you’re lucky and you’re at your mom’s house and you have a pull up bar in the stairway you do pull-ups. Then you feel pretty awesome when your brother tells you that he knows super toned rock-climbing girls who can’t even do a pull-up. You realize that self-hypnosis is just giving yourself a bunch of reasons to do something and then making yourself believe the reasons. You are less pleasant to be around but so what! People say you’re more real. Some people who are young and aren’t very good at censoring themselves around people who are TRYING to quit smoking here say you’re kind of a bitch without cigarettes. You cry a lot, in sort of a fake, annoying, whiny way. But you deal with it. Because now you can do pull-ups and tell people how they are making you feel instead of going to smoke and your heart doesn’t hurt anymore and you are a champion! And because fuck cigarettes!


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